The Juice

As soon as the 8:00 volunteers came in the tones went off and it was three back to back calls. Two syncopes and a rectal bleed. One of the volunteers who works with me Sunday morning is a nurse. She and her Sunday morning partner have been working Sunday mornings for over twenty years. Many years ago when I was a volunteer out here, I worked with them on my first shift. I like working with her because she is very competent and also knows somethings I don't which can come in handy when I don't know something. I have also taught her how to do 12-leads so all I need to say is do a 12-lead and it gets done. On one of the syncopes today -- an elderly man at home, who'd fallen and cut his head -- I did a quick assesment. He wasn't knocked out, he had no neck and back pain. He had a suturable lack on his forehead. While they bandaged him up, I took the gear outside and set up the stretcher. When I came back in, she said to me very nicely, he got dizzy before he fell. I thanked her. It was a not a question I usually forgot to ask, so it was nice to have someone watching my back. His lung sounds were decreased, and he was orthostatic. His ECG was okay.

My cold is still lingering, although I might say I am feeling a little better. Still after three calls, I was getting tired of lunging my gear and lifting people. Everything seems heavier than it should be when you aren't feeling 100%. On our last call, when we got there the cops were still trying to get into the house. I saw that a window screen was just barely open, so I climbed out on a ledge and jimmied it open, then I passed the flower pots that were on the window sill to a police officer and had called for my partner to boost me just a touch so I could get my arms into the window enough to pull me up. I love being a second story cat burgler man, but even as I was preparing to do it, I was thinking I was crazy. Maybe when I was feeling better. I think I was trying to prove something to myself. Fortunately, someone finally came to the door.

I have been reading this book about Barry Bonds and steroids called Game of Shadows. It is a pretty amazing book about more than just Bonds. It meticulously details the drugs these athletes were taking. Not just baseball players, but world class track and field athletes. They'd be over the hill athletes and then they'd get on this regime and start setting world records. They were taking up to 50 pills a day, but the main ones were steroids and human growth hormone. They'd also take insulin, clomide, a female fertility drug, and some stuff to make lean muscle in cattle.

I'm reading this and thinking, you know I've been feeling run down and over the hill, maybe I could use this stuff. Let's look at the public good here. Barry Bonds takes steroids to hit home runs, Marion Jones takes steroids to run fast, I would be taking to steroids to help people. And I could go for a world record, too. Instead of hitting 73 home runs, I could carry 73 millions pounds of patients and equipment in a year. And steroids would prolong my carrer. Of course, I wouldn't want to do all the pills and needles Bonds took. Forget about the female fertility and the cow stuff, just give me the the Clear and the Cream and HGB, along with the ZMA, zinc and magnesium.

Worry about getting caught? No, the state doesn't test medics for steroids. Not yet anyway. But, you know, I might be a standup guy anyway. What bugs me the most about these athletes is not that they took steroids, but that they lie about it. They deny what anyone with eyes can see. I wouldn't be like that. If someone asks me how I lifted that 400 pounder all by myself, I'll say, "It's the juice!"