Taxi Driver

80 year old lady has belly pain so her doctor tells her to go to the ER. She calls 911. "I can walk," she says when we arrive. "I just need to get my coat."

"You don't need a coat," I say. "We have blankets, plus I need to get your into a johnny."

"Oh, heavens," she says, "Is that neccessary?"

I always like to get my patients into a johnny top. It helps me assess them better and it makes it easier at the hospital. I get her sweater and shirt off, but then she has a full body bra on, and I give up at that point and just drape the johnny on her over the bra. I tried. We make her lay on the stretcher.

"You take a taxi," she says, "You wait ten, twelve hours and still they don't see you."

I tell her I need to do an IV. Whatever, she says.

I miss the first attempt. It is a very makeable IV, I just miss it. Well, I don't miss it, I think I have it, but when I flush it it blows up.

I try again. "Maybe you better let them do that at the ER," she says, as I fish around.

"If you'd have called a cab, you wouldn't be getting an IV right now. Cab drivers, don't do IV's." I continue to probe.

"You don't look like you know what you're doing."

"I am a professional," I say.

She laughs. "You get what you ask for huh?"

I get the flash, and the line flushed. "There done," I say.

She shakes her head.

"Now I need to examine your abdomen," I say.

"Why do you need to that?"

"A cab driver would not examine your abdomen. If he did, he would get arrested. If I don't, they'll rip the Paramedic patch off my shoulder and tell me to go back to being a cab driver. I used to drive one, you know."

"Why am I not surprised?" she says.

"I've stepped up in the world."

"I get a comedian."

"I have a license to do this," I say.

"Just so long as I don't have to wait 12 hours," she says.

***

Six calls. CVA, dehydration, psych, dislocated shoulder, seizure, and the above.