The Self

On the bus ride to the hospital I talk with one of the doctors who has been on other medical trips to help the poor. I wonder what it would be like to go to some of the places she describes -- villages that have never seen a doctor, people in refugee camps. We talk about how these trips can change you. I feel for me the changes are subtle. It is about shifting the focus away from the self, about opening up to the world and to the patient. I want to be transformed.

I find myself saying to many of the patients when they are discharged, "Que Dios te bendiga." May God bless you. I am not a Christian. I do not believe in God. I believe in helping others, in trying to find in yourself a better, purer person, you best serve others, you best serve the world.



Am I a fraud when I say may god bless you. I don't think so. What I mean is may good things happen to you, you are loved. They smile when I use the words. They seemed touched. And that's probably why I keep saying it. That and it is a simple thing to say. Maybe I am an instrument or maybe I'm just trying to get them feel better and maybe less afraid.



A woman has hypertension. Her pressure is 220/120. She is only 34. The doctors won't operate on her. She could stroke out. She hasn't taken her medicine for two weeks because she doesn't have the money. She needs the operation because she is pain. We tell her another group of doctors will be coming soon, and they will be able to operate on her if she can get her pressure down. But she has no money. The nurses and I join together and slip her some money as she leaves. She cries and hugs us.

***

That night we go back to the bar, the two nurses rom pre-op join us along with others from our group. Jesus plays air guitar on a broom and sings songs of God he has written. It is a fun evening.



In bed I wonder again about the self. Am I trying to good because I want to be seen as someone who does good. If that is true, is that wrong? I want my deeds to be purer. I want to be able to do good, and yet be unseen.